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Motherhood isn’t Linear

Headed home today to see my babies who aren’t much babies anymore.  I still will call them my babies though because they grew in me and no one, not anyone, can change that.  Don’t ever ever ever ever ever mistake my love for all children is a slam against my own.  

They have to share me just like many other kids have to share their children with a mom and dad who are not together, live far away at boarding school, or who have full time jobs and responsibilities outside being a parent. 

This is all ok. As long as the child is loved and cared for, fed, warm, has someone to talk to it is all ok. We have learned so many things about coparenting over the years and kinship.  The career of a parent is never linear. Ever.

Noone ever will take the place of my bios. Ever.  Just because my mom life doesn’t look like your mom life doesn’t mean I am doing it wrong.  My heart was created for a specific purpose. I have a job to do. This is the plan and has always been the plan.  It will forever be how I mom. Being a mom to many, Its the job I was meant to do. 

I am the lucky one.

What is #FailWhale

Here is a fabulous article about the origin of #Failwhale and its history.

In short, #FailWhale is a an image of a whale being carried by a number of birds that appears when the Twitter website is overloaded or has failed. 

You know the feeling when.........

You know that feeling when your digital data of your face is caught in a ring of pedophiles and people are telling you how and what you “should be doing” and “how it should be?” 

No, Just me?  

Exactly! People who DO NOT KNOW should not be telling other people how to live their life. In addition, people “who do not know” also shouldn’t be saying what I am doing wrong WHILE I am using every single fiber of their being to make the ring stop in their town.  Children should not be hurt at the hands of money hungry pedophiles.

I made a plan to stop it.  It’s still in play.  I volunteered to be the one to expose it because I STRONGLY believe the photographer, (son of the publisher) in this town worked for the only news source that feeds the area. 

If you do not know about my past it’s because I didn’t want you to.  I have tried to keep that part of my story private.  But the past that I was given has made me the fighter I am and I am thankful for that. 

If you think this sounds like a horror movie realize you are reading the script from my own nightmare. 

I am thankful for the many people that have kept this quiet for me as I was not ready to talk about it and gave me time.  I am thankful for the people that have gossiped about me because it has raised awareness of child trafficking being done at schools across NJ which is still happening. 

Dad, thank you for showing me how to keep trying my best to work through my emotions every day in a healthy manner.  You are an example to me on the grace you can give yourself when you screw up.  Not one of us is perfect.

John Gray thank you for keeping me safe up until this point and being a person that has been an escape from all of the drama that came before you.  Thank you for letting me express myself in writing like I always should have.  Thank you for trying your best to get me out of the corruption once you discovered the reality.  

Thank you to my friends who are figuring it out with me and not against me. 

Jp, Nolan, and Zoey I wish this was none of our stories.  I hope when you look back at this you will not remember those who made you feel horrible in the spotlight but instead remember how to use your spotlight for good. I want you  to always make the wise choice no matter what is being said about you or against you.  I hope you always know your truth as much as I know the truth that I love you....which is a lot. I am such a lucky mom.

Meet “Kara with a K”

Over the last couple weeks while I have been dedicated to helping the “Children of Woodbine” I met one of the most beautiful humans.  10 minutes after hearing her story I knew that I had to have her words guest post on her page. Meet Kara as she shares her journey with us of being an addict during the covid era in The United States of America. 

April 1, 2020

Dear Addiction,

I know you’re just as broken and lonely as I am, but I need freedom from you. I can no longer handle the consequences that you bestow upon me. It affects everyone around me and I can’t deal with the grief that I’m giving them any longer. You constantly remind me that I need you, but that’s not the case. I don’t need you. You do nothing but make me feel hatred towards myself, and towards life itself. You make me unmotivated, self-loathing and aggressive, even to those who want nothing more than to love me.

Because of you I don’t know what true love even is. I can’t accept love from anyone, I simply don’t believe that anyone can love me because that’s what you whisper in my ear. You want me all to yourself and to be as broken as I possibly can so that I’ll remember how you were ‘always there for me.’ I’ll never forget everything that you taught me, and whilst you truly were the only one that stood by my side through everything, I must move on.

You changed forms all throughout my entire life. In the early years, you came to me as Self Harm. You kept me company when I was alone and convinced me that it was okay, because at least I still had you. You stayed that way for a while, not evolving or changing too much until middle school. It was then that you turned into Cigarettes. You forced me to like you, whispered silent nothings in my ear telling me to trust you and to have another inhale, ‘It’ll calm your nerves.’ This worked for me, I had no reason not to trust you.

It was when you changed into Alcohol that things started getting really bad for me. I would drink every morning before school just to be able to smile. I needed you at that point, to keep me sane. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone, and I needed you just to not be suicidal. You made me think the world, sober, held nothing for me and didn’t want me to be a part of it. I doubted you slightly, but you soon eradicated that thought and reminded me of where I came from.

You changed again into co-dependency and made my life truly a living hell. You made me think I needed someone constantly to tell me what to do. Because of you I held on to two separate relationships that were physically and emotionally abusive. I held on for dear life because you convinced me it was normal and that I deserved to be treated that way no matter how much I tried to change our dynamic. Those relationships nearly killed me but I didn’t give up. I followed your direction blindly, because you really were the only one that was there for me. You were truly a persuasive con artist. Throughout those relationships you switched between Alcohol, Self-Harm, an Eating Disorder, and even Marijuana. I didn’t think you would evolve any more than that, but I soon was proven wrong.

It was after all those relationships that you showed me an even more toxic form of yourself, Cocaine. This is where I regained my trust in you believe it or not. This form had me energized, hopeful and motivated. I felt on top of the world because of you. This soon showed itself as a very slippery slope. Cocaine turned into Crack, which turned into Meth, then Molly, and finally Heroin. By the time I knew what was happening, I couldn’t jump off. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of my own self-destruction. You still remained in my ear, reminding me of your past forms and suggesting I use one of them as a new coping skill.

You were never a positive influence in my life. I realize now that I didn’t have any positive role models growing up so I don’t blame you for my eagerness in something to follow. I blame myself, for letting things get so out of hand. I should've put an end to you so much earlier on in my life, but I couldn’t, you were all that I knew. You made me feel better at times when nothing in the world possibly could. You twisted my thinking to truly believe in that statement.

You’re affecting the worthwhile things that are attempting to happen in my life presently such as my boyfriend, Jarod, and my grandparents. It might not seem like a lot of things to you, but they’re the ones that sincerely have my best intentions in mind and it's because of you that I can't accept love and assistance from them. I can't believe that anyone could genuinely love me for the monster that I see myself as. I love you for standing by me when no one else would, and that’s why it’s so painful to say goodbye, but I have to.

I'm only 19 but because of you and my experiences, I feel as though I've lived a thousand lives already. But because of my age I need to correct my behavior now, while I still have a chance. I need to believe that I deserve this chance, this opportunity to finally say goodbye to you. Trust me, it isn't easy, but it has to be done. I hope one day I can find peace and you might even return to me. I won't let you back in while you’re still showing yourself in negative ways. You hold potential just as I do. Hopefully I'll see you as positive coping skills one day, luckily ill have the knowledge to be able to tell the difference by then.



difference b

Her name is Kara C. and she grew up in Ocean County and went to vocational school for computer science, yet she still chose to keep writing in her life almost as a necessity. She’s suffered from the deadly grasp of addiction since her fifth step mom decided to give an eleven year old tequila shots. Ever since then her addiction progressed and formed into complete loss of sanity. She eventually managed to turn her life around with the help of many people and decided to write about the perspective of the addicts' struggle of not being able to live life on lifes terms.