It is time I wrote this post. Not because I want to but because this is my spot where I can talk about adult like things. Who knows, maybe later on in your life you can read this and maybe understand me a little better. (there is always hope I guess- good luck with that)
I know your name. I know when you will be coming. I know a lot but there is still so much I don't know. I want you to know that this scares me.
I worry a lot and I have fears that your father wonders how I can function with such thoughts in my head. I basically want to have a plan for every scenario and how we will handle it if a negative situation arrives or happens to you. This drives your Dad crazy. That cliche statement that once you become a mother you will never get a second of rest......it is SO TRUE!
I guess it is time to talk to you about my health. It isn't the greatest and many people are very surprised I would even go and get pregnant. As much as I understand the risks that are involved to me I knew our family had more room in our heart. Room, that is, for you. I am scared of what the future holds. Will I be stronger for you than I was for Nolan? Will I be able to do more things with you than I have been able to do with your brothers. The truth is I do not know. The truth is sometimes the scariest part about the future is the unknown not the known.
I am a work in progress. I do not know what is ahead for you and I or the rest of the family. I do know that with all of us together little will be hard to be broken. So, fears come to mind. Time will extinguish them or will will confront them but we will confront them together.
2 weeks ago I was diagnosed as a diabetic. We are unsure if it is type 1, type 2, or Gestational diabetes. Because of my health history it is likely that I am a diabetic always and never knew. Cardio and digestion issues go hand and hand with sugar issues. If this is the case Zoey you may have saved my life. Who knows? I was put on insulin. (we started out in a low dose and are gradually getting more and more) It is a family affair. The boys help me eat right and hold my hand during shot times. Your Dad, (who used to give me blood thinner injections with your middle brother) now gives me insulin shots. Taking care of each other is what we do in this house. If you could see them you would be so proud of them. They are helping us get thought this.
I pray for your safety upon delivery. I am scared of you ending up a NICU baby. I am scared. It is a fear. A serious one. I worry often but am so excited about you coming in just a few weeks. I am trying to be excited. Time will tell. Praying daily for you, for us.
Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
(NIV)
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